Thursday, May 24, 2012

How to Facebook Stalk 101

{Facebook stalking at its finest}

Everyone is on Facebook, even my 77 year old Grandma. While she doesn’t necessarily know how to use it, people like my mother use it to stalk and comment on my every move, using photos as evidence to try to prove that I’ve been hiding the truth (or something like that).

However, Facebook makes us believe things that might not be true. How many times has Facebook caused you anxiety? Ever seen your boyfriend or girlfriend in a picture with another person and question their intentions? Ever seen your best friend in a picture with someone that was supposedly their enemy? I call these Facebook-goggles—you know like beer goggles, Facebook-goggles or “foggles,” make you see something that isn’t true. I mean from people putting up deceiving Facebook photos that make them appear hot (see “How to Make Yourself Seem Really Good-Looking” on YouTube—basically my idea of a Saturday night prep), to making you think that your boyfriend is cheating on you with this exchange-student from Indonesia who happens to be his lab-partner.

Regardless, whether you realize it or not, you are a total stalker—and Facebook only facilitates this urge to know everything about everyone (a.k.a. the urge to stalk). Here are the top 3 ways Facebook makes stalking less of a creepy art form and more mainstream:

3. Facebook Statuses: Amy Turman will be out of town for 6 weeks in Hawaii and no one will be home. Don’t break in and throw a party because I won't be here! Hey burglars, don’t break into my house and steal my gold coins hidden under my bed. Facebook statuses basically beg your “friends” to know what you’re doing at all times. And I know stalkers - but we'll recap my "I-was-stalked-by-a-French-exhibitionist-while-studying-abroad" story later (I have the police report to prove it). But come on, no one cares you're at the gym or grocery store.
2. Facebook Photos: "This could be you." Not only does this give insight into the detailed life of college's biggest binge drinkers, prostitutes and cases of chlamydia, but also, it lets people know the pattern of your weekends and Thursday nights. It also let's people know exactly what you look like. Facebook captures the true essence of everyone, even if it is the drunken, bloated, puke-filled essence of self. If your friends are the ones that are courteous enough not to post these pieces of the past, people can still see every transformation in your hair, clothing, weight, etc. This is the perfect working documentation of what you look like at all times, in all situations. Everyone updates their Facebook photos and defaults as they change. While the defaults might capture you at your best, photos (which people don't know how to properly hide because they don't know the workings behind the privacy settings) are there to capture you from all angles (literally...).

1. Facebook Places: Want to know where I am at all times? There's an app for that. Now you can let everyone know that you're at California Chicken Cafe on Wilshire and 23rd in Santa Monica every Wednesday for lunch... Stalk me, please. That's ultimately what Facebook Places is begging people to do (even though I still 100% use them). Easier to stalk you with my dear.

And now with Facebook + Skype, you can try to creep on people more with video chat and SMS.
Stalk, connect, whatever. You know the drill. Facebook makes it easy to stalk--it's like what Warhol did with Edie Sedgwick. He over exposed her, and look where she ended up. She self-destructed. With all of this over exposure, are we all the Edie Sedgwicks of our generation?
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  1. Haha! So true. I've actually told my parents that while I love them very much, we can never be Facebook friends. Not that I have anything to hide - but I know they'd be on my page 24/7 :)

  2. Facebook really is starting to get out of control, my mom is on there, but she has no idea how to use it, but the people who comment on my stuff the most are definitely my friend's parents!!!


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